As the hero goes down…

He waited patiently for the pain to subside. It was four hours since he had lied there. The bleeding had stopped and the breath was scant.

He saw from afar the fires of celebration on the hills, heard the victory sounds of the trumpet. He should have been there, presiding over the felicitations, calling the feast. But he laid here comatose, staring stone eyed at the celebrations of his own victory.

Sometimes you win a storm and a little prick in your foot kills you, he thought as the light of the fire dimmed. Rafael this is not over yet.

……………………………

100 word story for Friday’s prompt by Madison.

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15 thoughts on “As the hero goes down…

  1. Sounds like something bigger going on here. I got the feeling Rafael was more than simply a mortal man. Intriguing set-up 🙂

    I think in the second sentence I would change ‘since he had lied there’ to ‘since he had fallen there’, since it seems as if he got there because of some incident that caused him to fall injured.

    Great job! See you next week 🙂

    1. Thanks Madison… Nice interpretation there, but if I may tell here, my story line was a tad different…

      “Killed by a prick in the foot” was figurative… I tried to imply that the hero concurred a great enemy but was killed by a hitherto unnoticed minion, whose name happened to be Rafael (the hero is unnamed). And that’s why the hero says the following as his last words, “Rafael, this is not over yet”.
      And that’s why I wrote “since he had lied there” cos Rafael had injured him and left him there to die.

      Looks like I left a lot of ambiguity… this was not intended to be an abstract and open-to-interpretation sort of a write up… hmm… :/

  2. Actually, Madison, that needs to be changed, anyway. “Lied” means that he didn’t tell the truth. It should be “since he had lain there.”

    Similarly, “laid” means that he placed down something that he was holding (e.g. an egg). Thus, it should be “he lay here comatose.” (“Lay,” aside from being its own verb, is also the past-tense form of “lie.”)

    Otherwise, it’s a good story and does leave me wanting to know more about Rafael.

    Here’s my story: http://wp.me/p24aJS-2l

    1. Hi LupusAnthropos,

      Thanks for pointing that out, but I beg to differ. The verb “lie” has multiple meanings and not telling the truth happens to be one of them. In one if its other meanings, it holds good for my use case too! 🙂
      And this holds true for the verb “lay” also.

      If by Rafael, you mean the hero, then yes… It could make a good story of deceit and revenge.
      Thanks for stopping by!

      Parul

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