Layla

First you set out to save her and then you are her victim. She always leaves you begging for more.

She was with me last night. It was raining outside and here in this moist cave we made out like it was the end of the world. I don’t remember when I fell asleep; I had held her tight so she couldn’t leave. But she is gone – the plop of the drops from the roof on my forehead an enticing reminder of her presence… The memory of her touch still etched on my skin…

Layla… the temptress, the serpentine temptress!

……………………..

Friday Flash Fiction for Madison’sΒ awesome prompt for the week(Great click Madison! Thanks for sharing):

Also, enjoy the song while you are here! πŸ™‚

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55 thoughts on “Layla

  1. “The plop of the drops” onomatopaeic, a great literary deivce. Layla, quite the seductress and a sorceress, I would say, under her spell and begging for more. A fine story evoking images of sexuality.

  2. Very interesting take on the prompt inspired by a cracking record. Love it. Not sure I would be making love in a damp cave either… but somehow worked. Awesome.

  3. You threw a lot into this piece and I love how you combined the picture inspiration with the musical one. This is a really powerful story, especially the last line.
    A couple of tiny concrits – I think the tense gets confused when you “held” onto her (past tense) to make sure she “doesn’t” leave (present tense), so I’d change that to “didn’t” leave. And then personally “plop of drops” rings a little crudely to me in comparison to the rest of your language.
    But those are tiny things, and easily remedied if you agree. I really enjoyed the story.

    I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/friday-fiction-maturity/

    1. I always mess tenses up! Thanks for pointing it out. This should be past tense.
      I think changing it to “couldn’t” as suggested by Rich would be more appropriate than keeping the “do” verb form. I have made that correction.

      As for the second pointer… I agree… in fact, honestly speaking I did not realize the connotations of the phrase until it got highlighted in the comments section… I was too busy trying to make it lyrical and rhyming and poetic … and now that it has been pointed out so often here, I think I will leave it as is… but this was unintentional, if at all… :/
      Or do you have a better suggestion?

      Am off to yours!

    1. Hmm… I think she’s real… if she is imagined and this chap is by himself in a moist cave… God save him! LOL!

      Thanks for this prompt Madison, a very good click this!

    1. That’s a huge compliment Atiya… though I beg to differ… there are plenty much better ones that people have written over weeks. If I even came close to that with this one, it’s a big achievement. Thanks! πŸ™‚

      Thanks for stopping by. Am off to yours now!

    1. Thanks Robert! Glad you liked it.
      The first line was written the last in the write up… Happy to know that the thought that went into it paid! πŸ™‚
      Over to yours now.

    1. It is my favorite line too. Took a while to pen it down. Thanks to the limit of 100 words, the original line got trimmed to this form. I like this better than the original line!

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